A while back I downloaded and watched the movie 'Twilight'. Unfortunately I downloaded a cam version which was difficult to watch, to say the least. At the time I told Ranna I had written a review of it in my head whilst watching. Never got around to recording said thoughts though, as I was busy, and...I didn't want to make a bunch of 14 year old girls in love with vampires cry. Anyway, the other day when I wasn't swamped with things to do for a few hours, I decided to give it a fair go and downloaded a better quality version...

(Warning: This is kind of long)

...Right, so the director of this movie, Catherine Hardwicke, is an absolute comic genius. She takes the otherwise entirely serious (*nose grows*) subject matter of teenage vampires, and creates a comedy so funny that your sides hurt. In fact, I would go so far as to say that this was one of the...

(Wait, I'm just receiving some information regarding the movie....Oh. Oh! It's not a comedy. Right, well then, back to my review...)

...one of the worst movies I've seen in a long time. I mean, what were these people thinking.

To be fair, this was only my initial reaction to the opening scenes. Let us give the movie a chance. Blah blah, girl moves to decidedly cold and damp (and conveniently lacking in sun) place named after cutlery to make her Mum happy (Isn't she just the best?). Blah blah, her Dad is a cop there, blah blah she gets this old truck and is just so excited to know she'll be the new girl at the school.

Jump to scene in cafeteria with her new friends, and aren't these people just incredible actors? Someone sure thought so. I'm positive. Cue vampires...wait, we don't know that yet...cue really unwell looking but apparently sexy and mysterious group of students who look too old to be students. Bella (oh yeah, that's our hero of the movie girl's name, I should have mentioned) is all spellbound by the 'kids' with hangovers, and asks about them. Her friend explains how these two groups of two 'kids' who walk in are 'Together oh my god'...and that she thinks that is wrong because the same dude adopted them all and they live together. GASP. Her friend, friend B(the other one, sorry I was blinded by the kid's with the hangovers complexions at this point and missed their names) explains to friend A, that it's okay, der, because they aren't actually related. Moral dilemma solved temporarily, and cue the arrival of Edward. Yeah, he gets his own colour because he is just. that. special dontchaknow? He is much further behind the other pale kids, I suppose because they are two couples and he feels a bit like a pointless fifth wheel on a car that isn't needed until you get a flat, and really, these are vampires (I mean hungover kids) so when are they going to go...flat?. Right. Moving on. Edward walks past the window, and Bella just has to know who he is. Friend A explains that that is Edward who is and I quote "Gorgeous. Obviously." (I assume this line is used here because if she didn't say so you really wouldn't know.)

I digress for a moment here to discuss the subject of Edward and his oh so super sexyness, and to apologise to all those girls out there who think his oh so super sexyness is oh so super and sexy. I really do not see it. The first time we get a good look at him (and thank god for the cam version, because for me our first meeting was blurry and not too enlightening), but anyway, the first time we meet him he looks all wide eyed and even more pale than his hungover companions, which I really didn't think was possible. I think I decided at this point that not only was he hungover, he was dying of some incurable disease where your skin just keeps getting whiter and whiter. You know, like Michael Jackson.

Right, back to the movie. Blah blah, Bella goes to biology and of course the only free seat available is next to Edward. She dies a bit on the inside of happiness. Unfortunately, the closer she gets to him the more the badly acted agony and internal turmoil shows on his face, until you really think he has no hope of ever being taken seriously as an actor. Either that, or he's constipated. So Bella sits next to him wondering if she has horrid body odour, until Edward finally makes a dramatic exit...just seconds before the bell rings anyway. So really, it could have nothing to do with you Bella. Cheer up girl. He might really just have been constipated.

More stuff happens. Then back to biology...and this is where the movie gains some plot people. For here we finally meet the character with the most personality in the whole film - the mystical golden onion. And wow this review is getting longer than I had intended but I can barely contain myself. The golden onion just inspires that sort of excitement in me. So, the teacher explains the task they must complete in order to win the golden onion. Somehow, between talking about the weather and Bella's reasons for moving to a place named after cutlery, and between all the sickeningly creepy horror film close ups of Edward's now *GASP* Amber eyes (they were black before), Bella and Edward apparently win the day, because in the next scene as they walk down the hall talking, Bella is holding in her hands (God I was jealous) the famed golden onion. Oh, I also forgot to mention that in this scene they had made up, because Edward had taken some time off school until he wasn't constipated anymore, Bella had switched deodorants, and Edward began their now tentative friendship sounding like someone from a special school by saying "Hello. I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to introduce myself last week. I was too busy trying not to gag on your stench. I'm Edward Cullen. You're Bella." Yes, he tells her her name. Which I think is an underrated thing. We should see more of it in introductions between people. I'm sure that she had forgotten her name. And no, it wasn't phrased as a question. It was said in this voice that suggested he needed a pat on the head because he had figured it out all by himself, just like that time he figured out how to count to ten. Oh Edward, you are a clever little boy.

...Moving on. Oh right. So Bella has the golden onion and frankly, I think Edward is pissed off. I mean, it's hard to tell the difference between his constipated face and his pissed off face, but I think I've got it sorted now. Basically throughout the whole movie he switches between one or the other every few minutes. So, he is more than a little miffed that Bella got to keep the golden onion and damn it, if he can't have it, no one can. So, in a scene involving Edward saving Bella from a run away car using his super hangover strength...he manages to destroy the golden onion during the commotion, so that no one suspects a thing. Not happy, Edward. I liked that golden onion, damn it.

Needless to say, this review is almost over because with the removal of the golden onion, which I considered one of the key plot points of the movie...I really lost interest.

Key points worth mentioning in the rest of the movie...

Edward, (in a large and probably dominant, but she's not entirely positive how dominant sort of way), wants to suck Bella's blood. Bella does not seem to consider this as worrying as she should.

Edward can read people's minds, but not Bella's. This infuriates him because if he had been able to read her mind, he would have earlier seen her plot to take the golden onion for herself, and could have taken it himself.

Edward and his family don't know what vegetarian means. Because they drink animal blood and not human blood, they consider themselves to be vegetarians. Fail.

My most hated scene in the movie. The epic vampire baseball scene. They are so loud when they hit the ball they can only play during thunderstorms, dontchaknow, and they just KILL ME here by destroying Muse's Supermassive Black Hole. I dislike how they felt they needed to do that. Never should it be paired with something as horrifying as vampire baseball.

Edward can play the piano really well, which if you go by his old vampireness isn't anything impressive. He's had a really long time to master it.

Edward calls Bella 'spider monkey' and tells her to hold on tight before racing up a tree looking decidedly like a hungover spider monkey. Did they make a mistake in this scene and forget to fix it? Was Bella supposed to call Edward spider monkey? Was he supposed to call himself spider monkey? We may never be sure.

During the epic final battle scene between Edward and the evil vampire James who I haven't even bothered mentioning, Bella is injured and her femoral artery is compromised due to a broken leg...which I'm not saying isn't plausible. However, in the lead up to the happy prom scene, she comes down the stairs wearing one of those velcro up super cast things on her foot/calf. Like she had broken her ankle. So, in this universe, the femoral artery is in the ankle. Go figure.

A note on the happy prom scene. Bella offers her neck to Edward because ever since they fell in love and he saved her by sucking the venom out of her blood but having the will power to stop and not turning her into a vampire...she is so desperately attached to him that the thought of him being gone makes her hyperventilate, and she wants to be with him. For all eternity. I know that sentence was really long but I wanted you to get a sense of how breathless she gets when she imagines life without sexy, pale Edward. Anyway, he doesn't suck her blood, even though he still really wants to. He just kisses her neck and imagines how much sweeter it's going to taste with the benefits of delayed gratification.

Then the movie ends.



From: [identity profile] rhiannon-666.livejournal.com

I really don't think I have to see the movie now. That was most spectacular. I could so hear it in your voice, which made it all the more funny.

I am also so glad that you mentioned vampire baseball!

From: [identity profile] mylogiceatsyou.livejournal.com

See, not knowing a great deal about vampires myself, and not claiming too, I didn't go into all that...but I could tell watching it that a whole bunch of you would be screaming in annoyance.

However, with my lack of knowledge I'm still pretty sure their skin doesn't sparkle like diamonds in the sun...something I didn't even bother going in to lol.

From: [identity profile] rhiannon-666.livejournal.com

Which is exactly what I was going to mention in my last post but refrained: vampires DO NOT sparkle.

Twilight is like the mardi gras of vampires. But bad.

I fear watching/reading it lest some inanimate objects go flying.

From: [identity profile] mylogiceatsyou.livejournal.com

Doesn't the sun actually...kill them? At least, that's what I thought.

...And god, don't even get me started on the way you could tell they were directing it in an effort to just be positive young girls would fall in love with him. It shits me that such a bad movie can do so well. They saw how popular the book was and thought "Ooh - money." and went with it.

From: [identity profile] rhiannon-666.livejournal.com

It's like Harry Potter all over again. Except, oh wait, that horror isn't over yet! UGH.

From: [identity profile] mylogiceatsyou.livejournal.com

Harry Potter is the perfect example.

At least we can thank our lucky stars that the Lord of the Rings movies were directed by a guy who obviously held a deep love and appreciation of the books.

From: [identity profile] roh-wyn.livejournal.com

Heh. This makes even crack seem less cracky somehow. ;)

I kinda sorta thought vampire baseball might be cool, but I see it's only cool in a 12-year old girl sort of way...in other words, not so cool.

Thanks for the review...much better than the actual book. xD

From: [identity profile] mylogiceatsyou.livejournal.com

Less cracky crack.

Say that ten times fast if you dare, haha.

Vampire baseball aimed for cool, obviously that was the intent, but just landed somewhere in fairly lame land.

Glad you liked it, heh. ;)

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